If you’re looking for an obtuse and overly verbose piece on negative critic reviews, I’ll point you toward this pile of words by Polygon. I’d rather poke fun at some negative reviews written by your average Metacritic users.
My wife is a big fan of a podcast called “Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet,” where they specialize in dramatic readings for compilations of absurd negative reviews.
Honestly, it’s a pretty good time. So, why not apply this award-winning paste to the most critically-acclaimed game of the decade? Sure, we might not all agree with IGN’s decision to rank BotW as the most distinguished game ever, but I think it’s safe to say we all agree it’s polished.
The jury’s still out on that. Otherwise, this post wouldn’t exist.
A proper BotW review bomb ignited the Metacritic boards. I shuffled through roughly 1,700 nasty Breath of the Wild reviews, then hand-selected some of my favorites.
Seriously, we’ve struck a legitimate salt mine.
These kids were outright furious with this handheld Zelda installment. Some reviews brought up valid criticisms, but I bet you can guess how the bulk of these reviews manifested into this plane of existence.
“0 out of 10, Rito Village was literally more memorable than my trip to Mars.”
First up to the plate are the reviewers who led their minds astray while wandering through the lost woods.
Is there a known habit where reviewers reflexively default to clicking the 0 button? Now I’m picturing some neck-bearded guy who sits at his computer for ten hours a day logged in to Metacritic, writing 0-star reviews at random.
Maybe someone yearned to look edgy and cool to their friends. I’m imagining some high school computer prodigy who fiddled around with their firewall settings, unlocked Metacritic, and noticed a classroom full of heavy stares at the very last second.
Sarcasm could be at play here, too. Although, if it is, our heroic reviewers lose the tone in translation.
All blind criticism aside, I’m giving our lost reviewers the benefit of the doubt. Mistakes happen. In the meantime, let’s just cautiously keep these reviews out of Link’s browsing history.
Next, we see a handful of kids who regret shattering their televisions by tossing their controllers at supersonic speeds. They needed a place to vent.
I’m sure they believe they’re contributing some form of community service by playing an imaginary part in preventing others from experiencing Breath of the Wild. Bless their hearts.
If there’s one thing I loathe more than ‘Git Gud’ culture in gaming, it’s the toxic rage quitters…Especially when they lacked the endurance and willpower to make it to that dreadful escort quest with Yunobo.
One rotten quest hardly ruins a title, though… Unless you’re this guy:
That guy’s username is the text equivalent of kicking a puppy.
Thunderblight Ganon strikes up yet another storm! I extend my sympathy, but tossing the game out to the wolves without a second thought speaks volumes about your character. A quick guide would have revealed the existence of rubber gear. A good night’s sleep does the trick, too.
After 200 hours, this game just suddenly felt dull. What a colossal waste of your hard-earned cash. Animal Crossing fans have heard this line before. Here’s the difference: Your average casual gamer doesn’t take the extra steps to skew a rating algorithm on a trendy review site. Nobody walked away from AC:NH with bold claims that they flushed their money down a toilet.
“BotW had too much to do, and it was complete sensory overload. Nintendo, I gave you the best years of my life, you monsters! Give me less content next time, or I’ll spend the next 200 hours of my life picketing outside your office.”
Sometimes users become so desperate to establish authority they don’t realize how ridiculous they sound when they get around to dumping on games.
Maybe they vexed themselves with 80 hours of Chinese water torture specifically for dropping a negative review – hoping to rally eyeballs with exceptional charisma capable of rivaling Spartacus himself. That day will never come.
These are the Revali’s of the world. I’m sure they’re a riot at parties.
“Hi! I beat BotW TWICE. The first time was too easy, so I decided to blast through it a second time with more experience. I expected the difficulty curve would magically ramp up. Also, this game is lazy, and my review isn’t. Get wrecked, dev team.”
I’m at a loss for words right now. Let’s just hop into the next one.
“That ending ruined the whole experience for me. Also, mods, quit deleting my reviews???? I obviously have no problems pushing through situations like watching paint dry. I mentioned I pushed through a game I despised, didn’t I?”
I honestly feel bad for these folks. Life is too short to strain yourself into enjoying something. Sometimes, we fall for extravagant marketing schemes and purchase games that collect dust in our backlogs. There’s no shame in cutting losses.
Apparently, all it takes to dethrone a masterpiece game like Breath of the Wild is a single failed semester of coding classes. If you can’t afford that, a few conversations with your friend on the bus should suffice.
“I saw a frame dip. Get this ugly mess out of my face. Also, this game needs more Dark Souls.”
I’m not about to preach that BotW is perfect, but a rating of 0-2 for some frame stuttering in the lost woods? That’s pretty dang harsh!
Not even Balan Wonderworld deserves a 2.
Death Mountain too hot? Clearly a design flaw. Villages too empty to simulate a proper post-apocalyptic landscape? Design flaw.
Still, the trendy thing to do is hop onto Metacritic to review bomb BotW with a lengthy rant about Nintendo’s design philosophies. Don’t take that walk of shame, kids. That’s how you become a meme floating in the vast space of the internet.
Oh, and then there’s this:
Have microtransactions come so far that we crave them? Don’t get me wrong. Character customization options help add a layer of immersion. Still, I’m not sure I need Link waltzing around Lurelin Village with a mohawk and septum piercing.
A defined character template comes with perks. It adds some old-fashioned class to a title. It also makes unlockable outfits feel rewarding.
Yet here we are, rating games a flat 0 because we can’t make Link into a seven-eyed alien who shacks up with the dolphin people.
Since Nintendo released BotW as a Switch launch title, part of me wants to remain gentle.
Until I check the review dates…
A handful of negative reviews popped up during ‘Game of the Year’ season, directly comparing Zelda to the highlight release on the console of their choice.
I admit I was rooting for Horizon: Zero Dawn in 2017. Like most of you, I was respectful enough to shrug and move on with my life when my underdog lost the race.
Woah. Woah. Woah. Let’s take a step back.
I can picture this dude. He spends his evening violently screaming at his television. All of his employers drop him like a blind sniper harassing small children from his watchtower. He probably can’t figure out why all his girlfriends abandon him.
That critique aged like a glass of milk on a hot summer day.
Console wars are a funny concept. Are Koroks so rage-inducing that gamers fall victim to complex psychological conditions? Probably not. Still, these fellas won’t rest easy until their armchair lawyer grants them proper compensation.
Remember when Pokémon Go hit the streets, and everyone was outside walking their dogs and socializing with strangers? Sure, it died down after a few months. That didn’t make the experience less fun.
Anyway, there was a certain bitterness in the air surrounding PoGo hype. We all had that one friend who wanted to thrash the game simply because of its popularity. It was as frustrating as listening to Joey prattle on about his top percentage Rattata.
Well, that same anti-PoGo energy applies here. Here’s a guy who lost his progress once and wanted to stretch it out into a hyperbolic wall of text:
Some of these valiant reviewers drop a 0 in hopes of balancing the virtual scales:
Or they’ll brag about how they created an account specifically to combat the hype-train:
And, of course, a few more jabs at Nintendo and the fanbase:
I suppose Breath of the Wild’s success story could be a crutch. It could hinder the development of the franchise similarly to the stagnant recipe that caused the suffering of Pokemon Sword and Shield. I have my doubts. Critics praised BotW for vastly changing the old formula, not regurgitating it.
These reviews were a painful read. I wish I could point these guys to a quick guide on the best bows in BotW.
Anyway, I’m sure you remember the weapon system was pretty controversial when Breath of the Wild first launched. I’ll respect that.
What’s comical is that these reviews follow a rigorous template:
“Hi, let me say that Ocarina of Time changed the very foundation of my being.”
Then 2-3 sentences about different Zelda games they enjoyed
“I’m here to tell you there is no real sense of progression in this horrific sacrilege of a game.”
Pepper up the review by slinging a few insults, of course.
“This game was stupid hard, and I’m upset about it.”
I’m willing to bet that most of these “reviewers” made the same early game mistake that I once made. They glossed over the text on Sidon’s stealth mission.
*Laughs in the lustrous mane of a raging Lynel*
Let me be fair. There were some exceptions to the template. One reviewer made the bold claim that this was the ONLY game he’s failed to complete in his lifetime:
And this dude who pawned off his copy to GameStop after discovering the Master Sword had a recharge:
There are hundreds more complaints about broken weapons in Breath of the Wild. Although they aren’t very exciting to read, so I’ll rescue you from the drab details.
Can I level with you?
Writing professional game reviews isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The pay is atrocious. Most companies have set parameters that shunt your voice entirely. Sometimes, these companies coerce you into reviewing products you’ve never touched.
Did I mention most sites pay their reviewers around twelve bucks an article? Right. I did.
Worst of all, the gaming community has loud beliefs that rival the cacophony of a gathering of flat earthers. It’s an absolute minefield out there.
So let’s apply these “thoughtful reviews” to a standard gaming journalist template, shall we?
These wannabe influencers dish out negative reviews to build their ever-so-creative brand kit.
Because, you know, slashing away the hard work of developers isn’t already an oversaturating force distributed throughout online media. We already have hundreds of great ZeldaTubers anyway.
Yes, I realize the irony of what I just said. I’m farming some cheap laughs here, and my conscience can only handle snickering at the worst of the worst – like Rocket League traders.
Maybe I’m letting my own PTSD take the spotlight here, but if I know one thing about the World Wide Web, y’all love to poke a little fun at bad grammar. Especially when grammatical errors are bountiful, and opinions are stated as fact.
While I can’t imagine these reviews are more than blatant trolling, they’re still pretty humorous. I think they’ll be a perfect closing section for our BotW review bombs. I’ll hold off on the commentary and let you enjoy the ride.
Metacritic is a democracy. Everyone gets an equal voice. Of course, a handful of people will always abuse that power for one reason or another.
Feel free to share any hilarious reviews I skipped on social! I’m always happy to hear from you! Much love. As always, thanks for reading!