These Mad Lads Review Bombed BotW
And It’s Honestly Hilarious

If you’re looking for an obtuse and overly verbose piece on negative critic reviews, I’ll point you toward this pile of words by Polygon. I’d rather poke fun at some negative reviews written by your average Metacritic users.

My wife is a big fan of a podcast called “Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet,” where they specialize in dramatic readings for compilations of absurd negative reviews.

Honestly, it’s a pretty good time. So, why not apply this award-winning paste to the most critically-acclaimed game of the decade? Sure, we might not all agree with IGN’s decision to rank BotW as the most distinguished game ever, but I think it’s safe to say we all agree it’s polished.

Cringe Negative BotW Review: "In order to make the game get more difficult, the developers give the enemies abilities and health levels you cannot reach. This is only due to a severe lack of development ability. If you have to make a creature with more health to increase difficulty rather than have it simply be better or more challenging, you have failed as a developer"

Just kidding! 

The jury’s still out on that. Otherwise, this post wouldn’t exist.

A proper BotW review bomb ignited the Metacritic boards. I shuffled through roughly 1,700 nasty Breath of the Wild reviews, then hand-selected some of my favorites.

Seriously, we’ve struck a legitimate salt mine.

These kids were outright furious with this handheld Zelda installment. Some reviews brought up valid criticisms, but I bet you can guess how the bulk of these reviews manifested into this plane of existence.

Lost Reviewers

“0 out of 10, Rito Village was literally more memorable than my trip to Mars.”

First up to the plate are the reviewers who led their minds astray while wandering through the lost woods.

Is there a known habit where reviewers reflexively default to clicking the 0 button? Now I’m picturing some neck-bearded guy who sits at his computer for ten hours a day logged in to Metacritic, writing 0-star reviews at random.

Maybe someone yearned to look edgy and cool to their friends. I’m imagining some high school computer prodigy who fiddled around with their firewall settings, unlocked Metacritic, and noticed a classroom full of heavy stares at the very last second.

Cringe Negative BotW Review: "0 out of 10. I love this game. Truly a masterpiece. Perfection. 10/10 goty. Botw is the best game in all time for sure."

Sarcasm could be at play here, too. Although, if it is, our heroic reviewers lose the tone in translation.

All blind criticism aside, I’m giving our lost reviewers the benefit of the doubt. Mistakes happen. In the meantime, let’s just cautiously keep these reviews out of Link’s browsing history.

Complaints About Difficulty Curve

Next, we see a handful of kids who regret shattering their televisions by tossing their controllers at supersonic speeds. They needed a place to vent.

I’m sure they believe they’re contributing some form of community service by playing an imaginary part in preventing others from experiencing Breath of the Wild. Bless their hearts.

Cringe Negative BotW Review: "In my opinions, this is not a fun game. Main quest is difficult to complete. Physical restriction free. Praquery relies on YouTube. Personally regret buying this game."

If there’s one thing I loathe more than ‘Git Gud’ culture in gaming, it’s the toxic rage quitters…Especially when they lacked the endurance and willpower to make it to that dreadful escort quest with Yunobo.

One rotten quest hardly ruins a title, though… Unless you’re this guy:

Cringe Negative BotW Review: "Thunderblight Gannon is too hard. I've played this game for a little over 4 weeks(?) now and I was really having fun with the game until I reached Thunderblight Ganon. I was really excited to fight this boss but my happiness very quickly turned into frustration. Thunderblight Ganon quickly ruined the entire games experience for me and made me absolutely despise the game but ir forever haunts me that along with the game, the curse has been passed on too. This just goes to show that it doesn't take much to completely ruin a perfect game."

That guy’s username is the text equivalent of kicking a puppy.

Thunderblight Ganon strikes up yet another storm! I extend my sympathy, but tossing the game out to the wolves without a second thought speaks volumes about your character. A quick guide would have revealed the existence of rubber gear. A good night’s sleep does the trick, too.

Complaints After Insane Playtime

Ah, yes.

After 200 hours, this game just suddenly felt dull. What a colossal waste of your hard-earned cash. Animal Crossing fans have heard this line before. Here’s the difference: Your average casual gamer doesn’t take the extra steps to skew a rating algorithm on a trendy review site. Nobody walked away from AC:NH with bold claims that they flushed their money down a toilet.

Cringe Negative BotW Review: "This is my first Zelda game and it will be my last. I am truly disappointed by this game. I played Oceanhorn which was so-called Zelda clone game and I very much liked it. What I didn't like about this Zelda is that it is just boring. You got an open world that you got so many things to do that you actually loose your focus on the important things for a game-kill the villain and save the princess. All these climbing around, looking for shrines and treasures, cooking, riding for me was just boring and actually without them you cannot progress in the game well. Overall this was around 200 hours of my life I can't get back which is more than a week vacation in Italy or the Bahamas which I spend chasing crickets and boring climbing hills to find something that I even don't know what is there. Did I mention that the game is boring. Oh yeah, it is. The game can be 10 times shorter and simple with the same appeal of graphic, sound, physics and story. Fore me this game is a waste of my time and money."

“BotW had too much to do, and it was complete sensory overload. Nintendo, I gave you the best years of my life, you monsters! Give me less content next time, or I’ll spend the next 200 hours of my life picketing outside your office.”

Sometimes users become so desperate to establish authority they don’t realize how ridiculous they sound when they get around to dumping on games.

Maybe they vexed themselves with 80 hours of Chinese water torture specifically for dropping a negative review – hoping to rally eyeballs with exceptional charisma capable of rivaling Spartacus himself. That day will never come.

These are the Revali’s of the world. I’m sure they’re a riot at parties.

“Hi! I beat BotW TWICE. The first time was too easy, so I decided to blast through it a second time with more experience. I expected the difficulty curve would magically ramp up. Also, this game is lazy, and my review isn’t. Get wrecked, dev team.”

I’m at a loss for words right now. Let’s just hop into the next one.

Cringe Metacritic LOZ BOTW Review "I don't know exactly why my review got deleted, since it was legit enough, and I was just being honest. As a big fan of the former the legend of zelda ocarina of time, this game disappointed me a lot. I really tried to like it, since I love zelda a lot. But I just couldn't force myself to do it. I can't be asked writing too much, Incase my review gets deleted again, for whatever reason. And I really disliked the ending of the game. Probably the weirdest ending I've ever seen."

“That ending ruined the whole experience for me. Also, mods, quit deleting my reviews???? I obviously have no problems pushing through situations like watching paint dry. I mentioned I pushed through a game I despised, didn’t I?”

I honestly feel bad for these folks. Life is too short to strain yourself into enjoying something. Sometimes, we fall for extravagant marketing schemes and purchase games that collect dust in our backlogs. There’s no shame in cutting losses.

Back Seat Developers

Apparently, all it takes to dethrone a masterpiece game like Breath of the Wild is a single failed semester of coding classes. If you can’t afford that, a few conversations with your friend on the bus should suffice.

Cringeworthy Metacritic User Review: "Awful Story, lack of difficulty, no satisfaction when totally annihilating all the bosses, at some moments frame rates drop, and along with too easy shrines. Also for the shrines and bosses, WTF is this????"

“I saw a frame dip. Get this ugly mess out of my face. Also, this game needs more Dark Souls.”

I’m not about to preach that BotW is perfect, but a rating of 0-2 for some frame stuttering in the lost woods? That’s pretty dang harsh!

Not even Balan Wonderworld deserves a 2.

Death Mountain too hot? Clearly a design flaw. Villages too empty to simulate a proper post-apocalyptic landscape? Design flaw.

Metacritic User Reviews That Hurt My Soul: "Picture any other game at all ever as a reference. As our protagonist walks up to a brilliant landscape, a man approaches your player..... 'Just walk and, yeah that was literally it, bye.' Seeing no challenge at your present location you go forward. Aha an enemy! surely there will be a challenge. Nah just wack poof. Okay. Uh just march? Cuz so far Im bored from walking in circles, not finding anything from early exploration, and not driven by any story exposition or enticement. This is Breath of the Wild. If I'm comparing it to other open worlds, its pale and people look orange, and if I'm comparing it to the past Zelda games, it falls short in every iconic aspect. Tropes, damage, ESPECIALLY the exposition. You would wake in a village with problems, understanding your character is helpful and adept. You had a purpose in being there, a use for the location, each item meant something and characters were thoroughly memorable. Heck those games were frustrating, even annoying to me for the first few hours, but they pulled you in to keep you going and i mean 90% of the series fulfilled these aspects. This game is just empty empty empty. Empty of character, story, skill, and landscape. 2/10 because its not as directionless and canonically worthless as OG Awakening."

We all have our unique preferences. Personally, I loved how barren the BotW overworld felt. One reviewer made a complaint about recycled characters. I adore the character templates, too!

Still, the trendy thing to do is hop onto Metacritic to review bomb BotW with a lengthy rant about Nintendo’s design philosophies. Don’t take that walk of shame, kids. That’s how you become a meme floating in the vast space of the internet.

Oh, and then there’s this:

2020 BotW Review Bomb: "The game lacks deepness. The main character is poorly customizable. Action poorly evolved since Ocarina of Time."

Have microtransactions come so far that we crave them? Don’t get me wrong. Character customization options help add a layer of immersion. Still, I’m not sure I need Link waltzing around Lurelin Village with a mohawk and septum piercing.

A defined character template comes with perks. It adds some old-fashioned class to a title. It also makes unlockable outfits feel rewarding. 

Yet here we are, rating games a flat 0 because we can’t make Link into a seven-eyed alien who shacks up with the dolphin people.

Console Wars Keyboard Warriors

Since Nintendo released BotW as a Switch launch title, part of me wants to remain gentle.

Until I check the review dates…

Mr Bacon says: "Overhyped. Was fun for a couple hours but then became stale. People love to eat up anything from Nintendo I suppose.."

A handful of negative reviews popped up during ‘Game of the Year’ season, directly comparing Zelda to the highlight release on the console of their choice.

I admit I was rooting for Horizon: Zero Dawn in 2017. Like most of you, I was respectful enough to shrug and move on with my life when my underdog lost the race.

COD Athlete says: "Do not waste your money on this game, and do NOT buy a Nintendo Switch!!! The Switch is already very underpowered, has NO games, many design flaws, and is just a piece of crap gimmick for 5 year olds and nostalgia neck beards. Anyway, Breath of the Wild, is a piece of **** game. You'll be running around killing people in a bland *** field for hours, and get bored right away. It is extremely repetitive and boring, with 0% action going on. If you want a good game wirth around 60 bucks, go buy COD, PUBG, Rainbow Six Siege, or literally anything else on a good console (Xbox or PS4) that has a game library. Instead of running around in a huge field, play anything else.

Woah. Woah. Woah. Let’s take a step back.

I can picture this dude. He spends his evening violently screaming at his television. All of his employers drop him like a blind sniper harassing small children from his watchtower. He probably can’t figure out why all his girlfriends abandon him.

Metacritic user Fusion HAA says: " Boring uninspired game. Don't listen to fanboys praising this terrible game because they want to justify their purchase of bad console! But mark my words this game will be forgotten in a year!"

That critique aged like a glass of milk on a hot summer day.

Console wars are a funny concept. Are Koroks so rage-inducing that gamers fall victim to complex psychological conditions? Probably not. Still, these fellas won’t rest easy until their armchair lawyer grants them proper compensation.

Anti-Hype Hipsters

Remember when Pokémon Go hit the streets, and everyone was outside walking their dogs and socializing with strangers? Sure, it died down after a few months. That didn’t make the experience less fun.

Anyway, there was a certain bitterness in the air surrounding PoGo hype. We all had that one friend who wanted to thrash the game simply because of its popularity. It was as frustrating as listening to Joey prattle on about his top percentage Rattata.

Well, that same anti-PoGo energy applies here. Here’s a guy who lost his progress once and wanted to stretch it out into a hyperbolic wall of text:

Anti-Hype hipster with throwaway Metacritic account says: "I don't understand how a game so mediocre gets so much love. I'll start bluntly by saying that this game has more issues and problems you'll find than having fun. The auto save feature rarely happens and by rarely i mean every 40 minutes or so you'll have to manually save. That means pause the game go save menu wait a few seconds and you'll be doing that over and over. Not to mention that there are entire places that you can't even save, so if you have to leave to go somewhere or die you'll have to start over from about 40 minutes back. Pathetic. The combat is horribly broken. If you so much as touch an enemies fingernail you'll die. Why? Because **** you thats why. This game isn't hard it's just repetitive bs. Don't waste your time playing something just because of the name if you wanna play a good zelda gam go play ocarina of time not all zelda games are as amazing as the banbois claim."

Some of these valiant reviewers drop a 0 in hopes of balancing the virtual scales:

Metacritic User Hobobo thinks he can throw off the score of BotW with a nasty review: "It's alright. Very overrated, unfortunately, and that throws off the score. I've played and beaten pretty much every Zelda and BoTW, while a pretty decent games, falls behind past titles like Ocarina, Majora's Mask, Twilight Princess, and A Link to The Past. Most of the open world is empty, weapons break, bosses are recycled, Temples no longer stick to the original formula (no dungeon crawling), lack of cool items which you usually obtain in temples then use throughout the world, instead the game gives you pretty much every weapon you need at the beginning of the game, the story is very watered down (I'm surprised no critics called it out on this). Overall, I feel like the critics could have done a better job pointing out critisism, but instead glossed over most of its obvious flaws. This could lead to some misconceptions for those wanting to play this game for the first time, but want to know a few things about it ahead of time."

Or they’ll brag about how they created an account specifically to combat the hype-train:

Negative review from yeboi: "Had to create an account just to rate this game bad, I actually can't believe how well received it's been, the game is a dreadful entry to the series, completely destroying the feeling of playing a Zelda game, it's more like an MMO ffs. I've played Zelda since I was about 5 years old, it was my second game ever after Banjo Kazooie and have loved most of the games but I advise you to stay clear of this game unless you want to feel like your beloved game series has been s*it all over. Skyward Sword was a step down, but with BOTW Zelda is getting worse fairly quickly, is this the beginning of the end for the once great Legend Of Zelda series?"

And, of course, a few more jabs at Nintendo and the fanbase:

I suppose Breath of the Wild’s success story could be a crutch. It could hinder the development of the franchise similarly to the stagnant recipe that caused the suffering of Pokemon Sword and Shield. I have my doubts. Critics praised BotW for vastly changing the old formula, not regurgitating it.

Angry About Breaking Weapons

These reviews were a painful read. I wish I could point these guys to a quick guide on the best bows in BotW.

Anyway, I’m sure you remember the weapon system was pretty controversial when Breath of the Wild first launched. I’ll respect that.

What’s comical is that these reviews follow a rigorous template:

“Hi, let me say that Ocarina of Time changed the very foundation of my being.”

Then 2-3 sentences about different Zelda games they enjoyed

“I’m here to tell you there is no real sense of progression in this horrific sacrilege of a game.”

Pepper up the review by slinging a few insults, of course.

“This game was stupid hard, and I’m upset about it.”

Cringe BOTW Reviews " In 1998 the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of time came out, it set a bench mark for the series future as well as an identity well transferred from its original games. In this instance, the series has lost some identity in trying something new... I really hoped for the spirit of Ocarina of time to be fully present here but its not the case at all. Instead you have an attempt at streamlining the franchise into more comin games, Physics system, weapon breaking system. And a non linear story in a open world which does look amazing. Its did not feel like an adventure, more like a shore.. having to consistently look for weapons, relacing weapons..etc I missed having that reward feel when i would get my first unbreakable sword or when upgrading that sword to the master sword (not that you cant get it in this game). The physics system is great but only when you have the right tools, which could take you a while to get if you wanted them, again not being a linear story as much means you can miss those items intirely and not have the full experience."

I’m willing to bet that most of these “reviewers” made the same early game mistake that I once made. They glossed over the text on Sidon’s stealth mission.

*Laughs in the lustrous mane of a raging Lynel*

Let me be fair. There were some exceptions to the template. One reviewer made the bold claim that this was the ONLY game he’s failed to complete in his lifetime:

Cringe BOTW Reviews "This could honestly be one of the worst games I've ever played. This game was probably fun for about 30min then it was all downhill from there. Had to stop playing after about 5-10hrs because it was so painfully bad. I don't think I've ever not finished a game until this one. This game is literally just a giant sandbox with 0 purpose. You can face the final boss immediately, there is no leveling system, no equipment you get to keep, there is literally 0 reason to kill or do anything in this game. Everything feels completely pointless other than just so you can mess around and kill time. The weapon breaking system where everything breaks after 3 hits has got to be the dumbest **** I've ever seen put into a game. Who ever came up with this idea should be shot. There is no leveling system to help you get stronger other than finding shrines for hearts which is more work that it's worth (which is a theme in this game) so every enemy literally one shots you (again meaning there is 0 reason to even fight anything) It's really pretty dumbfounding how bad and flawed this game is. None of these devs should have jobs in the video game industry for approving this dumpster fire. The only idiots who like this game are Zelda fan boys, and Minecraft nerds who just want to frolick around as a sandbox with no real guiding purpose."

And this dude who pawned off his copy to GameStop after discovering the Master Sword had a recharge:

Poorly Aged BOTW Review "I was excited to play this game, the mechanics felt good but then my items kept breaking whenever I would hit an enemy with my weapons, I understand that a stick might break but everything, The masters word? This is the one single factor that made me stop playing and sell this game almost immediately. I don't find going through menus to select a new weapon or running out of weapons fun at all, not my kind of game. Fighting Guardians was fun, I'd like to see those battles get even more intense."

There are hundreds more complaints about broken weapons in Breath of the Wild. Although they aren’t very exciting to read, so I’ll rescue you from the drab details.

Wannabe Paid Reviewers

Can I level with you?

Writing professional game reviews isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The pay is atrocious. Most companies have set parameters that shunt your voice entirely. Sometimes, these companies coerce you into reviewing products you’ve never touched.

Did I mention most sites pay their reviewers around twelve bucks an article? Right. I did.

Worst of all, the gaming community has loud beliefs that rival the cacophony of a gathering of flat earthers. It’s an absolute minefield out there.

So let’s apply these “thoughtful reviews” to a standard gaming journalist template, shall we?

These wannabe influencers dish out negative reviews to build their ever-so-creative brand kit.

 

Because, you know, slashing away the hard work of developers isn’t already an oversaturating force distributed throughout online media.

 

Yes, I realize the irony of what I just said. Forgive me. I’m farming some cheap laughs here, and my conscience can only handle snickering at the worst of the worst – like Rocket League traders.

Maybe I’m letting my own PTSD take the spotlight here, but if I know one thing about the World Wide Web, y’all love to poke a little fun at bad grammar. Especially when grammatical errors are bountiful, and opinions are stated as fact.

Blatant Meme Reviews

7/10 Too much water. Ah. An absolute classic.

While I can’t imagine these reviews are more than blatant trolling, they’re still pretty humorous. I think they’ll be a perfect closing section for our BotW review bombs. I’ll hold off on the commentary and let you enjoy the ride.

Poorly Aged BOTW Review "trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash trash. This review contains spoilers. always the same story, the same opponents everywhere. a beautiful open world that is simply empty and inanimate. great epic weapons that just break. a nice but boring Game.
Poorly Aged BOTW Review "Ain't no one gonna complain about the hilarious voice acting anymore? About how the Switch launch game is just a delayed Wii U game that doesn't even support 900p, Running at 30FPS? The story? The story is, that the story happened in the past. I'm a genius writer. Now buy the other 2 Breath Of The Wild games lol. Graphics? Well, our Fans say that graphics do not affect the game play, however graphics affcet the gameplay but we don't care about that. Enjoy the washed out colors. I'm still talking about a full priced title. Yeah its 2020. You can buy DLC as well! Yay only in a bundle tho give us your money. Aw man."
Cringe BOTW Review "too much water Don't believe the hype. The world feels empty and unfinished like an early access game. Framerates are horrid on docked mode. I don ind low freamerates but the random constant swings are too noticable. Looks like a ps3 era game so why is it so laggy?"

Itching For More Bad Reviews?

Knock yourself out.

Metacritic is a democracy. Everyone gets an equal voice. Of course, a handful of people will always abuse that power for one reason or another.

Feel free to share any hilarious reviews I skipped on social! I’m always happy to hear from you! Much love. As always, thanks for reading!