Disclaimer: Alright. Listen up you filthy waffle-eating Rizzo fanboys: This post is hardcore satire. I’m trolling for a few cheap laughs. Rizzo is a better Rocket League player than I’ll ever be in my lifetime. He’s also probably funnier. He’s also probably way more likely to make one of those disgusting Top 10 Hottest Content Creator charts we see in trashy magazines like Vogue or Tiger Beat.
Leave my inbox alone. Trust me, I already send myself 100 daily emails reminding myself of how terrible a human being I am. Face detection technologies mistake me for the forever-alone meme on a regular basis.
Alright, so everyone is entitled to their own opinion…
Unless their opinion is to slap Raisin Bran in the same tier as Reese’s Puffs and Trix. He wasn’t even trying! Also, seven untested cereals? What? Does he have a special medical condition that makes him allergic to research?
At least he got one thing right: Frosted Mini Wheats are part of a balanced breakfast. Commercials made sure to drill that into our brains before we could walk. So, I can’t really give Rizzo any credit.
Let me introduce you to Rizzo the mouse.
You see, as a self-proclaimed Animal Crossing aficionado myself, I can tell you that Rizzo isn’t a particularly good Animal Crossing villager.
The jury is unanimous. We choose our villagers based on solely superficial things like looks. And Rizzo? He’s hideous. Just look at the thing!
Who wraps a bandana beneath their nose?
Why do his eyes look perpetually sleepless?
Why would he dream of becoming a police officer? More importantly, why should we let a villager with a cranky temperament govern our streets?
Go chase a wheel of cheese into the ocean, Rizzo. I’d rather put my trust in Pietro.
Just uhh… Do me a favor and don’t look too hard into the dates, okay?
Ever heard of a Rizzo Flick?
Yeah. I didn’t think so. My wife can’t even dribble the ball with a spikes power-up, let alone have her own flick named after her.
It’s time Rizzo quits stealing the spotlight from the TRUE biggest legend in Rocket League: Athena. That woman can slap you silly in the stadium. Don’t deny it.
And she can do it while looking stunning, too. Pretty sure Athena was a mascara model in a past life. When’s the last time you even saw your reflection in a mirror?
So it’s settled.
Athena taught Rizzo everything he knows. Psyonix even gave her the first specialized cosmetic pack, so you can pretend to bat your eyelashes in Mannfield, too. And we can continue to praise our Goddess, Athena, every time we smash the ball into the crossbar at 200 miles an hour.
For real, who actually sucks at Minecraft? Chew on that sentence for a minute.
Maybe Rizzo has PTSD from stepping on a Lego when he was younger. His builds look like they were designed by Herobrine’s kid sister after she took a few too many shots of tequila. Did he retire from the pro Rocket League scene for that? It’s like suffering through the plot of High School Musical all over again.
Get out of here. We aren’t some low-priority Disney musical airing on Primetime television. News flash: it’s been over ten years since anyone had cable, to begin with.
Rizzo, you ungrateful little twig, if some guy took the time to include my brand logo on an AlphaConsole/ Bakkesmod plug-in, I’d have the courtesy of harassing every developer at Psyonix to hire the man.
Have you even tried creating a spam bot or mailing fingernail clippings to Psyonix headquarters? Yeah. I didn’t think so, bud.
Show some respect, my guy. Throw in some good old-fashioned elbow grease. Be like our founding forefathers. Smack a dude or two in the face hole and flick someone in the nose until you get what you want. Seriously, if this decal existed in Rocket League, I’d rate it an S+ tier in my Octane eSports tier list.
Look, I’m not going to threaten my monetization by quoting his filthy one-man-one-skyscraper fantasy.
The guy thrashed Psyonix with F-bombs as far as the eyes could see on a live stream. That’s as much as you need to know, my Rocketeer.
Rizzo, didn’t you ever listen to your sweet elderly mother? You aren’t any better than the friends you make for yourself. Sucks to suck.
Actually, let me break character for a second… Sizz, what the heck were you thinking? Sure, I’ll occasionally drop a big screw-this-job-I-don’t-need-it-anymore speech. I also don’t plan on showing up the next day when I do. Legendary.
Back in character – Rizzo doesn’t cherish his mother! Grab your torches and pitchforks! Also, why isn’t Sizz the head of PR on getting that decal printed?
Uh, did I just say that out loud? Forget reason #7. There is no reason #7. Better yet, reason #7 is because Rizzo hates America. Probably. I mean, can you tell me with a straight face that you still trust the guy?
I drive a pretty compelling argument, don’t you think?
There you have it, folks. Seven reasons not to trust Rizzo with your newborn child. It’s time to tear down your creepy hair follicle shrine resting in your closet. It’s time to smash that unsubscribe button on his YouTube channel. Rizzo is definitely not one of my top 15 favorite YouTubers.
Okay, yeah he is.
But still… the man is a fraud.
P.S: If you enjoy reading RL stink-posts like this, I’ve got a treat for you. Let’s talk about some obnoxious RL trading practices.