Real life Rocket League Octane cosplay with firecracker boost.

8 Hilarious Rocket League Cosmetics Spotted IRL

Hello Champs and Chumps, Grand-plats, and the Bronze-at-heart! I hope you’re in the mood for satire and memes. I’m feeling… whimsical today. Let’s take a break from complicated wavedash tutorials and positional awareness guides. Instead, here are some Rocket League cosmetic items spotted in real life!

(Spoiler Alert: They’re hideous and hilarious.)

Ready?

Since trading RL cosmetics ate a brutal corporate hatchet, let’s get all nostalgic by hosting a mock auction for eight precious inventory items. We can even pretend the proceeds help pay off some imaginary debt for an imaginary illness.

I’ll lure you in by telling you these items are available for quick-sell with discounts in bundles… but after I join up on your 30th invite, I’ll undoubtedly hit you with an “NTY add” in true traditional Rocket League fashion.

I’ll also post these items to every Rocket League trading hub and leave these listings up indefinitely, so that you may continue to post offers eons after I’ve sold these items. You can accuse me of price manipulation if you want, but I’ll deny it. I’ll make a silly claim like: “I didn’t want you to feel left out despite being sold out.”

I mean, don’t you just hate walking into a Wal-Mart and seeing an empty shelf where your favorite brand of chocolate milk resides?

Wouldn’t it be better to guard that empty slot a hyper-muscular bouncer? 10 feet tall, arms folded, and pretending he could whip out his cell phone and contact someone deep within the chocolate milk underworld syndicate – just to get you a taste of premium chocolate milk? Or better yet… a surprise item, like a ballerina skirt or some premium rocket-pass inverted diapers.

That’s an ideal world, is it not?

Item #8: SPN Wheels, Or FGSP 2.0

Prototype FGSP wheels in real life. Rocket league dream designs in real life. SPN wheels. Soccar champs.

These wheels look CLEAN in black. Personally, I’d rate them among the seven wonders of the world. They’re highly underrated.

Can’t find a set of Black Dieci? No problem! These will definitely spike in popularity. No doubt about it. Actually, you should probably snatch DaddysCreditCard and invest in fidget-spinner stocks down on Wall Street because those puppies were no fad.

Still not sold?

Well, let’s drool over the rarity. They came from the 5th least popular rocket pass of all time… So nobody has these.

Not even your buddies who speak whale. Not even Dori. End of story.

Item #7: Dissolver BMD

Dissolver black market decal in real life. BMD.Rocket league dream designs in RL. dirty dodge durango in wal-mart parking lot. Soccar champs.

If you’ve ever been curious about how your Rocket League dream set-up would look in real life, you can rest easy now. This fine specimen is a black Marauder featuring the clean (and intelligent) Dissolver BMD.

This design is peak, boys! Imagine the heart-racing sensation you’ll get skidding from traffic light to traffic light in the most iconic Rocket League set-up of 2018. I know that bumper might look disjointed, but rest assured, that’s because I was trying to tier up my striker cert.

Nobody told me I couldn’t tick it up by hitting statues.

Item #7: Titanium White K2's

TW K2 wheels in real life. Rocket league dream designs in real life. Soccar champs.

If anyone ever tells you these are a “seasonal” wheel, you should look them dead in the eye and slap that controller right out of their heartless, lifeless hands.

Call them uncultured swine.

These babies may have originated from the Secret Santa crate, but they’re as bright as TW wheels come.

Would Rocket League even be what it is today without K2 wheels? Think about the history. There are 100,000 cosmetic items in the game, but none quite as thought-provoking or sincere as these bad boys.

I even heard that equipping these increases your max speed.

Item #6: TW Hextide BMD

rocket league designs in real life. Titanium white hextide. TW hextide. Junkyard toyota.

You can’t put a price on love.

The only reasonable thing to do here is list the price as “offers” and fish for overpay. It’s white Hex Tide, for crying out loud!

Also, we should avoid matching time zones. Let’s prolong negotiations until we hit Guinness Book of World Records territory.

Playing tag will reignite your passion for your playground days.

You’ll transport straight back to those grass-stained shorts you wore every day in elementary school. The ones you refused to change even if your parents haggled every free Snickers bar in the world.

Then, when it looks like your buyer resigns every last drop of hope, hit ’em with a “Look, are you going to offer or not? Don’t make me block you!”

Item #5: Mandala Wheels

Dodge charger with absurd rims. Rocket League dream set-up in real life. RL IRL. Grey mandala wheels. Razor-sharp wheels. Chevy corvette background. Car show winner.

Who needs tread when you’ve got rim? Rubber won’t take you anywhere unless you’re name is Monkey D. Luffy anyway.

Have you ever felt an overwhelming urge to cancel your dinner plans with Aunt Hans Von Shniebelheimer because of an annoying speed bump?

After all, you could sit at home and spend the evening playing Rocket League instead.

Pretty tempting, right?

These Mandala wheels come fully equipped with razor-sharp spokes that no other salesman in Rocket League can lay claim to. That’s right. Ten million players worldwide, and I’m going to tell you that these are the only wheels of their kind on the market. Hurry! While supplies last! It makes sense if you don’t think about it!

Come on, already!

I don’t have all day to sit here and watch you contemplate your life. I’ve got T-ball practice in 45 seconds.

But wait! There’s more! Order in the next twenty minutes and you’ll receive a free “Beta Nugget” from the men’s bathroom at Psyonix HQ. 

Item #4: White Zombas

White wonderment wheels in real life. White zombas.Rocket league dream designs in real life. SPN wheels. Soccar champs.

On my last “From Nothing to Something” YouTube episode, I wound up trading some toppers for different toppers. It was a total hoot.

(If you’ve never watched these videos, I sympathize. It’s great. You get to waste half an hour of your life watching a screaming kid attempt to scam complete newbies out of items that even their grandmothers can price-sheet… And Grandma only shops at the Bob’s Ramen in downtown Neo Tokyo.)

Speaking of grandma, she stitched these white Zombas together from her favorite tablecloth. So how about we show her a little respect next time she starts carrying Grand Champ lobbies?

Quit spamming “Okay.” at her just because her eyes aren’t so great at reading those tiny letters anymore. She’s going pro for season 623 RLCS and she already has a contract with NRG. I mean, are you honestly surprised? NRG will sign just about anybody. They signed Musty, didn’t they?

Item #3: Emerald Pros

Emerald PRO wheels in real life. RL IRL. Rocket league dream setups parody. rubberless wheels 100% rim. Chevy camero.

One look at these bad boys and you’ll never want to part ways with them. Can’t you hear them whispering ASMR giggles into your ear and carrying you up to ranks you’ve never dreamed of?

Everything about this set-up screams dashing. Like the opening scene of a James Bond film. Ejection seats? Check. A barrage of bombs synchronized in the most aesthetically pleasing patterns imaginable? Check. A slender villain who chain smokes cigars and wears the same tux as every other main character? Check.

Trading may be gone in Rocket League, but these elusive Emerald Pros can be yours today – fully realized in the physical world. What a day to be alive!

Item #1: Black Dieci

rocket league black dieci's in real life. Trash can wheels.
Ha! Gott'im!

And now for the main attraction! Black Dieci. Infamous for their unrelenting midnight gaze that sears into your soul. Rumor has it that they are forged from sheer brimstone salvaged from the unforgiving depths of hell.

Good news! You can find a pair at your local hardware store today!

Come one, come all! Step right up! 

Unlike their RL equivalent, they won’t run you the price of a three-bedroom home, either. Everybody wins!

Conclusion

Feel free to come back any time you start feeling “nostalgic” about Rocket League trading. I’m more than happy to remind you of the crazed men in capes who praised their almighty lord and savior, Anarchy himself.

Have a great day, and thank you for reading!