Spoiler Alert: This content is satire!
Hello Champs and Chumps, Grand-plats, and the Bronze-at-heart! I hope you’re in the mood for memes. I’m feeling whimsical today. Let’s take a break from complicated wavedash tutorials and positional awareness guides. Instead, check out these Rocket League cosmetic items the community has spotted in real life!
I’ll be auctioning off eight of my most precious inventory items to help pay off some imaginary debt for an imaginary illness. I’m going to tell you these items are available for quick-sell with discounts in bundles… but after I join up on your invite, I will undoubtedly hit you with an “NTY add” in true traditional Rocket League fashion.
I’ll also post these items to every Rocket League trading hub and leave these listings up for years, so that you may continue to post offers to my game chat long after these items are sold. You can accuse me of price manipulation if you want, but the truth is, I didn’t want you to feel left out despite being sold out.
I mean, don’t you just hate walking into a Wal-Mart and seeing an empty shelf where your favorite brand of chocolate milk resides?
Wouldn’t it be better if that empty slot was guarded by a muscular bouncer? 10-feet tall, arms folded, and pretending he could whip out his cell phone and contact someone deep within the chocolate milk underworld syndicate – just to get you a taste of premium chocolate milk? Or better yet… a surprise item, like a ballerina skirt or some premium rocket-pass inverted diapers.
That’s an ideal world, is it not?
These wheels look CLEAN in black. Easily one of the seven wonders of the world and highly underrated. Too broke to afford a set of Black Dieci? No problem. These will definitely spike in value. No doubt about it. Actually, you should probably grab DaddysCreditCard™ and invest in fidget-spinner stocks down on Wall Street because those puppies were not a fad.
Still not sold? Well, just think about the rarity. They came from the 5th least popular rocket pass of all time… So nobody has these. Not even your buddies who speak whale. Not even Dori. End of story. So quit standing around and drooling! Buy now or you’ll probably never see another set of these again!
If you’ve ever been curious about how your Rocket League dream set-up would look in real life, you can rest easy now. This fine specimen is a black Marauder featuring a clean and intelligent Dissolver BMD and some grey Trahere rims.
It doesn’t get any cleaner than this, boys! Imagine the heart-racing sensation you’ll get skidding from traffic light to traffic light in the most iconic Rocket League set-up of all time. I know that bumper might look like it fell out of socket, but rest assured, that’s because I was trying to tier up my striker cert.
Nobody told me I couldn’t tick it up by hitting signs.
If anyone ever tells you these are a “seasonal” wheel, I want you to look them dead in the eye and slap that controller right out of their hands. Uncultured swine. These babies may have originated from the Secret Santa crate, but they’re as bright as TW wheels come.
Would Rocket League even be what it is today without these wheels? Think about it. There are 100,000 cosmetic items in the game, but none quite as thought-provoking or sincere as these bad boys.
I even heard that equipping these increases your maximum boost meter.
I’m not going to put a price on this. After all, you can’t put a price on love. Instead, I’ll list the price as “offers” and fish for overpay. It’s white Hex Tide, for crying out loud!
Also, I only trade people from different time zones. I want to prolong negotiations as long as humanly possible. Playing tag takes me back to my playground days – way back to those grass-stained shorts I wore every day in elementary school. I wouldn’t wear anything else. My parents could haggle all the free snickers bars they wanted. I would never budge.
Those shorts had little race cars on them. S-tier. No other shorts could compare.
Look, are you going to offer or not? Don’t make me block you.
Who needs tread when you’ve got rim? Rubber won’t take you anywhere unless you’re name is Monkey D. Luffy anyway.
Have you ever felt the urge to make cancellations to your dinner plans with Aunt Hans Von Shniebelheimer because of an annoying speed bump? After all, you could sit at home and spend the evening playing Rocket League instead.
Pretty tempting, right?
These Mandala wheels come fully equipped with razor-sharp spokes that no other salesman in Rocket League can lay claim to. That’s right. Ten million players worldwide, and I’m going to tell you that these are the only wheels of their kind on the market. Hurry! While supplies last! It makes sense if you don’t think about it!
Come on, already. I don’t have all day to sit here and watch you contemplate if this is real life. I’ve got T-ball practice in 45 seconds.
But wait! There’s more! Place your order in the next twenty minutes and you’ll receive a free twisty-spiral straw perfect for blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk. That’s right.
On my last episode of “From Nothing to Something” YouTube videos, I wound up trading some toppers for some different toppers. If you’ve never watched these videos, I sympathize for you. It’s great. You get to waste half an hour of your life watching a screaming kid attempt to scam complete newbies out of items that even their grandmothers can price-sheet… And grandma only shops at the Bob’s Ramen shop downtown.
Speaking of grandma, she stitched these white Zombas together for me from her favorite tablecloth. So how about we show her a little respect next time she starts carrying in the next Grand Champ lobby?
Quit spamming “Okay” at her just because her eyes aren’t so great at reading those tiny little letters anymore. She’s going pro for season 23 RLCS and she already has a contract with NRG. No need to be jealous of her. NRG will sign just about anybody. They signed Musty, didn’t they?
Whoever told you that these wheels aren’t tradeable lied to you. I mean, can you blame them? One look at these bad boys and you’ll never want to part ways with them. Can’t you hear them whispering ASMR giggles into your ear and carrying you up to ranks you’ve never dreamed of?
Everything about this set-up screams dashing. Like the opening scene of a James Bond film. Ejection seats? Check. A barrage of bombs synchronized in the most aesthetically pleasing patterns imaginable? Check. A slender glasses-wielding villain who chain smokes cigars? Check.
All of this can be yours today. The Emerald Pros of your dreams, fully realized in the physical world. What a day to be alive!
And now for the main attraction! Black Dieci. Infamous for their unrelenting midnight gaze that sears into your soul. Rumor has it that they are forged from sheer brimstone salvaged from the deep depths of hell.
Good news! I’m selling a pair. You heard right!
No credit? No problem! 0% APR financing! Come one, come all! Step right up!
For the price of a three bedroom home, these wheels can be yours today!
This post was experimental.
If you enjoy this type of content, PLEASE let me know. I picked and prodded a few trading techniques that some of you may use. I have no intent of burning bridges or calling anyone out. It was all in the name of good satire. Have a great day and thank you for reading!