Animal Crossing may be a game that prides itself on a casual slow pacing, good vibes, and endless friendship. That doesn’t mean it is incapable of devastating our sense of humanity straight down to its core.
I’d argue that the slow pacing and friendly dialog loops heighten the intensity of the following situations. An outsider might say something along the lines of: “Well, just fix it!”
That sweet summer child.
Outsiders are completely sheltered from the arduous hours, Tom Nook’s labor-intensive butterfly catching regimen, and dancing through time gates as perilous rifts warping us straight to utter insanity! An outsider wouldn’t have to shed the tears we’ve shed to achieve a flawless Witcher-themed island, only to have one of these 7 horrific experiences defile our perfect little virtual sanctuary.
Luckily for our first victim, the preview screen rescued her hard-earned bells and two days of relocation before this staircase unearthed an eldritch horror upon her island getaway package.
I wouldn’t say she’s entirely escaped the clutches of a mournful Lovecraftian fate, however. Tucked beneath that cute cartoon precipice lies a mountain of blood, sweat, and tears. She spent a ages terraforming a tidy cliffside view. She paved a pathway to match a costly fountain. She set up symmetrical gothic statues, great matching walls. She planted bushes and gave them a few days to sprout.
This image is the embodiment of pain. Another week of hard work met a rigid bulldozer in the name of true symmetry.
It’s a beautiful sun-shining day in the world of Animal Crossing. Isabelle signs off with some exciting news to share. Our new villager has moved in!
Meet Billy, the billy-goat. He seemed friendly enough while chatting at the campsite. We bonded over a handful of sporty exercises. He seemed like the kind of guy who would put some serious work into the community. He seemed like the kind of guy who was a true jock, always working to push beyond his limits.
Then we stumble into the most vile neckbeard nest fathomable. His home is absolutely wrecked. His floor is literal trash. His furniture is cardboard.
He thanks us for his new furniture gifts, yet he pawns them off the first chance he gets. Visitors constantly worry about the looming threat of crushing his cardboard furniture. Visits never last long.
Billy, the least you can do is pick up those cola cans. Why on Earth do you have rotten tires in your living room? Do you need me to call a dump truck?
No. He likes it this way. Step outside of his home and you’ll see an elegant marble walkway with marble pillars to match. Step outside and find monuments dedicated to the world’s greatest pieces of art.
…And behind that forsaken doorway lies this infernal mess. Good luck reporting it to Isabelle. I don’t think she’s ever stepped foot inside this cockroach magnet of an abode!
At long last, it’s time to replace these old plank bridges with something a little more decorative!
We can match our paths across the island to give it a nice uniform feel. We can use custom design tiles to add a nice stone garnish to the edges of the walkway. It’ll be sheer delight to invite our friends over for an afternoon of cookies and tea! We’ll finally get to show off our… hold up a second.
How did we let this go unnoticed? What an oversight! You’re telling me I’ll need to spend 200,000 bells and two days moving this bridge back and forth to replace a SINGLE design tile?
Rumor has it, if you approach the tile from just the right angle, you can fix this monstrosity. I haven’t worked up the courage to give it a try.
Can you blame me?
For all I know, internet trolls might be luring me into their trap. They might be hiding beneath this very bridge awaiting their shining moment to cackle their malevolent tar-coated hearts out as I throw my hard earned bells into a structure fire!
Somehow the model in our photo is managing to smile in the corner of the image. Nerves of steel. I admire their positive attitude. If it were me I’d be spamming the shock emote for hours on end.
Wait, what happened to my beautiful Ghibli-themed village?
What even is that thing? A one-armed frog? A UFO? You told me you wouldn’t do anything drastic! Can I even use a wet suit to get to my beaches?
You’re so fired, little bro. We’re going to send you to boot camp. You’re clearly a sociopath. You probably read End-User License Agreements for fun. You probably record videos of torturing local wildlife with scented fake fruits or snacks that set off glitter bomb traps.
If you’re ever feeling a biting urge to soft reset your island creation, just hand the Nintendo Switch off to a cruel and conniving family member. That seems to do the trick. Be ready to shed a few tears over hundreds of wasted hours.
Of course, this photo is probably staged, so we can rest easy about that. Click here to check out the happy island designer for your own custom terraforming map designs!
Flip, I think you’re taking that “low-key fashion” principle to the extreme, buddy. If you want to wear a dress, I won’t be the one to discriminate.
The least you could do is wash it, my guy.
Villagers around the globe seem to wander around lawlessly wearing clothes that clearly weren’t designed for them. It’s probably a precautionary horseman of the artificial intelligence takeover. We can’t do anything to stop them. We can complain to Isabelle as the self-appointed fashion police. Lo-and-behold, Flip will become profoundly attached to another hideous outfit tomorrow.
There’s nothing we can do about it. The damage has already been dealt.
As a side note, the lady in the photo seems to have a case of “My-Animal-Crossing-avatar-was-forcefully-impaled-by-a-vaulting-pole-itis” and probably requires medical attention.
Let this be a warning to those of you who gift ugly items to villagers hoping to clear up an inventory slot. Looks like Mr. Flip grew pretty attached to his moldy dress!
Just imagine how awkward the other villagers feel about it!
So close, yet so far.
Everything about the layout leading up to this museum would render Blathers speechless.
Four beautiful historical infographic signs. Dual artisan brick staircases. An elevated view. The onset of handcrafted cascading waterfalls. What’s not to love?
Well… I guess the fact that we happened to miscount our tiles before constructing those bridges. That seems to be a bit of a letdown. Without time travelling, we’re looking at a solid week of reconstruction! Might be time to invest in a stress ball, or better yet, a punching bag. The situation is pretty dire, and we’ll be needing an outlet!
Perhaps it’s time to switch to a quick session of Diablo. We can tear the armies of hell asunder! This relaxation mumbo-jumbo seems to be missing its mark!
In celebration of Easter, we get to relive the most popular festivity of all time. Bunny day!
Remember the excitement we all felt when Animal Crossing: New Horizons first released? We spent hours hunting for those gorgeous cherry blossom recipes. We spent hours mining rocks, gathering wood, fishing.
Then everything changed when the Bunny-Day Nation attacked.
Our beloved sea bass were transformed into gaudy painted eggs. Our rocks were filled with the beguiling stench of rotten eggs. The skies were filled to the brim with devilish deviled eggs.
There was no escape.
We could at least take solace in crafting gorgeous event items with our overabundance of Easter eggs, right?
Every Bunny Day D.I.Y. was hideous! Zipper the bunny featured manic wide eyes not unlike those of a serial one-star Yelp reviewer. His overalls screamed phrases that I could previously only imagine coming from the mouth of Ned Flanders from the Simpsons.
The Bunny Day event lasted ten days in 2020. Thankfully, it has been trimmed down to seven days this year.
Maybe we can get our hands on the ever-elusive cherry blossom D.I.Y’s this year without succumbing to the horrors of bloodshot eyes. Without the fictitious whistling of imaginary balloons hovering through the sky in a barrage of Bunny Day gifts to make WWII’s doomsday look as harmless as an episode of Blue’s Clues.
Step aside Bunny Day, you’re giving me nightmares! Anyway, that concludes today’s post! Tell the happy home academy I said hi!